Emotion-Focused Therapy for Couples: Unlocking Deeper Connection & Thriving Relationships…

“People may not remember what you said, people may not remember what you did, but people will always remember how you made them feel” - Maya Angelou

Evolutionarily, our relationship with our partner is one of the most important systems that we belong to. Humans are hardwired genetically and have an innate fundamental drive to be loved, accepted, and connected, especially with a partner to procreate with. An individual cannot sustainably flourish if they exist within a system that prevents them from doing so. Even couples that claim to be #couplegoals can have relationship issues. Whether it's a repeated issue that rears its head only in stressful situations or something more persistent, most couples experience something that will stop them in their tracks at some point throughout their relationship. It may be a feeling of disconnect, interpersonal conflict, a clash of values, fear of rejection, feelings of inadequacy, a lack of empathy, unhealthy boundaries, and/or a lack of assertive communication, to name a few. Maintaining a thriving relationship on top of juggling work and family responsibilities can feel like navigating a maze. Emotion-focused therapy for couples (EFT-C) can be useful as it offers a roadmap to deeper connection and emotional intimacy.

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What is Emotion-Focused Therapy for Couples?

Emotion-focused therapy for couples (EFT-C) is a dynamic approach that helps partners access and express their underlying vulnerable emotions to each other. Developed by Leslie Greenberg and Sue Johnson in the mid-1980s, EFT-C views couple dynamics through the lens of affect regulation and systemic interactions. Instead of assigning blame, EFT-C sees relationship issues as the result of negative interaction cycles that need to be changed.

EFT-C’s core interventions focus on empathy, helping partners explore their emotional experiences and fostering a safe space for vulnerability. Research has shown EFT-C’s effectiveness in reducing relationship issues and promoting forgiveness, even in couples facing significant challenges like PTSD or terminal illness.

close up of couples interlinked hands

Motivational Systems Within Couples

Why do we seek intimacy? What drives us to connect or withdraw in relationships? Greenberg and Goldman identified three primary motivational systems that fuel our relational behaviours: attachment, identity, and attraction and liking.

• Attachment: This is all about the need for security and closeness. We crave our partner’s availability and responsiveness. When these needs aren’t met, we might seek more closeness or withdraw to soothe our anxieties alone.

• Identity: We need our partner to recognize and validate our thoughts and feelings. When we feel unseen or invalidated, it evokes hurt and shame. Our responses might then range from imposing our reality on our partner to protect our sense of self.

• Attraction and Liking: Positive feelings towards our partner—fondness, admiration, and sexual attraction—are crucial for relationship growth. Without these, a relationship might survive but will lack the excitement and joy essential for its longevity.

Distinguishing Different Types of Emotions in Couples’ Conflict

Emotions in relationships can be tricky. EFT-C categorizes them to help couples navigate their emotional landscapes:

• Primary Adaptive Emotions: These are gut reactions congruent with the situation, promoting healthy behaviours. For instance, fear in response to a threat.

• Primary Maladaptive Emotions: These are gut reactions incongruent with the situation, often stemming from past trauma. For example, fear in response to a loving partner.

• Secondary Emotions: These are reactions to primary emotions, like anger masking sadness.

• Instrumental Emotions: These are expressed to achieve a specific outcome, like crying to elicit comfort.

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Dysfunction in Couple Dynamics

When partners aren’t aware of their emotions or don’t know how to express them adaptively, frustration builds. This can manifest as secondary anger or other destructive behaviours, leading to rigid interaction cycles that block emotional closeness.

Close up of couple’s embrace

Negative Interactional Cycles

Negative cycles are patterns of interaction where each partner’s attempts to get their needs met inadvertently perpetuate the very behaviours they wish to change. EFT-C identifies several such cycles:

• Attachment Cycle: Characterized by one partner’s critical, demanding behaviour and the other’s defensive, withdrawing behaviour. For example, a partner might criticize to seek closeness, causing the other to withdraw further.

• Identity Cycle: Involves one partner dominating and the other submitting. Over time, the submissive partner may grow resentful and resist, which threatens the dominant partner’s sense of control.

• Over-Functioning/Under-Functioning Dynamic: One partner takes on most responsibilities to manage anxiety, while the other relies on them, feeling increasingly inadequate. This cycle reinforces feelings of incompetence and dependence.

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Intervention Strategies

Emotion-focused therapy for couples aims to break these negative cycles by helping partners express their primary emotions and underlying needs. Here are some key intervention strategies:

• Cycle De-Escalation: Identifying and understanding the negative interaction patterns without assigning blame, helping partners see their behaviours as attempts to regulate emotions.

• Restructuring Interactions: Encouraging partners to express vulnerable emotions, such as the fear or shame underlying anger or hostility.

• Integration and Consolidation: Strengthening new, positive interaction patterns and ensuring partners feel more connected and understood.

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Your Path to a Thriving Relationship

EFT-C is not just about resolving conflicts; it’s about fostering deep emotional bonds and creating a thriving relationship where partners feel seen, valued, and loved. If you find yourself struggling with emotional disconnection or negative interaction patterns, emotion-focused therapy for couples can help you navigate these challenges and build a stronger, more intimate relationship.

couple running on beach holding hands

Ready to transform your relationship and experience unconditional love and relationship growth? Book a session with us today and embark on a journey towards deeper connection and emotional intimacy…